Original Sin

How can you be good and bad at the same time?

Catholicism told me you can’t be both simultaneously.

On November 1, 2023, I watched my unresponsive grandmother receive one last ounce of energy as a priest said she was forgiven of her sins including her “original sins” and she started to cry she was so relieved.

She deferred death to be forgiven. It’s a memory I will never forget.

As an adult diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, and an eating disorder, I can trace my fear of God (or myself) taking me off this earth because I thought a bad word.

Relief comes immediately after spilling my guts, but the relief dissipates as I’m left alone and begin to feel like I’m still living a lie. I’m somehow living incorrectly.

I was born incorrectly.

I didn’t ask to be born which means I also didn’t ask to be given the chance to die.

I’ve tried to bring death closer because of not being able to digest the truth that people are good and bad.

Why should a baby have to confess and be forgiven?

For what?

I can’t defend myself when the world makes me feel bad, but I will fight like hell to protect children.

To me, Exquisite Corpse was about concepts and objects that have friction. I didn’t create an animal that nobody has ever seen before but what I presented was a devil baby that doesn’t make sense. It’s in your face, it’s strange, it’s transparent, it’s hung by chunky chains, and it encapsulates how I feel as an adult that is getting further and further from childhood.

Adults turn to their younger selves for answers, clarity, healing, and inspiration.

I often wonder how I got to be so hard on myself.

I’m not the right kind of attractive.

I’m too masculine.

Yet I’m too feminine.

I’m creative but not as intelligent as I want to be.

I desperately need a hug, yet they’re not offered often.

My body needs food, yet I deprive it.

I don’t deserve help because people have it worse.

I could go on and on.

What I feared wouldn’t be a creature became a stubborn creation. It was never installed the same twice. One day it had half a face, my baby videos were projected behind the entire piece, and finally, the piece was installed the way I envisioned it. I certainly got frustrated at my lack of control over the piece, but I had to listen to what the materials wanted. I had to let the space tell me what I was allowed to do. I had to buy specific tools to make all these parts come together. The fucking glue… Glue and heavy objects don’t mix.

I hope this project can be the beginning of letting go of shame, feeling unworthy, and feeling like a real artist without limitations.

I can confidently say that I’m proud of both baby and adult Amanda.